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I feel that I am rather impervious to marketing (excluding infomercials on household goods. I want every one of those ever advertised). However, when a new 5 blade razor was released onto the market, plus it was orange, I knew it was my destiny to one day own and use one.

fusion.jpg

Look at that! I want that cutting small, painful holes into my face. The only problem is just before hearing about this miracle of modern science I happened to purchase a large number of blades for my current razor from Costco. I’m not sure about the exact amount, but let’s say it’s roughly a billion or so. I just remember, at Costco, determining they’d last me about 2 years.

2 years. 2 years of inferior shaving technology!

I went through a few bouts of depression over my razor misfortune. For a while I simply refused to shave. A manager at work mentioned something about looking like I had just gotten off Survivor. My broken heart was echoed through my unshorn face. I was a miserable pittance of a man.

Then one day I was browsing around on the internet and saw an offer for a free next-generation razor. I thought I read that it was the above orange beauty — I figured, destiny fulfilled thanks to the wonder of free crap on the internet (not that it’s really that free — replacement blades are expensive, obviously). I filled out the form and waited, anxiously. 4-6 weeks and my razor, my free, Gillette Fusion razor, would be gracing my flesh.

Fast forward to a few days ago. I get a razor-sized box in the mail. Glee! It has arrived. But something is wrong. I am not quite sure which razor it is I love and am soul-mates with, but I do remember at this point two things: it’s orange, and it has five blades. FIVE BLADES.

The razor I hold in my hand is called the “quattro.” Knowing a bit about Spanish, and having also learned about about the word while looking at Audis, I knew something was clearly wrong. Quattro means four. Why would they sell a five bladed razor, and call it four? Why undersell the razor?

At this point I think about it and decide it’s one of two things:

1) They are underselling their razor, calling it quattor, because they are stupid, or because it really only works like a 4-blade razor
2) I remember them saying something about 5 blades, and one blade being on the back to accidentally cut you if you weren’t careful (or for trimming sideburns or something)… maybe only 4 blades are on the front, hence, Quattro
3) I am not about to enjoy the revolutionary shaving experience I thought I was in store for. (or rather, for which I thought I was in store)

I opened the package and looked within, and saw this:

schickquattrorazor.jpg

This is not orange. This is not five blade technology. This is like from 2001. If not earlier. This is, as the Romans would say, bull.

I didn’t cry. I know that much. They stole my spirit, but they never saw me cry.

So I still don’t have a Gillette Fusion razor. All I can do is wish, one day, I will have one. And sit and think about why in the world razor marketing has affected me so greatly.

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5 Comments

  1. a girl a girl

    You know, I requested my free schick razor a long time ago and have had it for a few weeks now. Granted I have not used it yet, BUT….it is a quattro (for women) and yes, it actually as four blades. and sorry…i have to zing you on this…but mine is even purple! ZING!!!

  2. kt kt

    Gillette is one of our larger customers. I have a dozen or so “Venus” razors for, well, women. You want me to try to find you a man’s orange thingy?

    kt

  3. Of course, it is, after all, the best a man can get.

  4. Andy Andy

    The ironic thing about not shaving because you are depressed about inferior shaving tech is that it prolongs your inferior shaving experience.

  5. Dan Dan

    I need a new razer so I went out and bought a fusion the other day. It actually has 6 blades, the 5 main ones, and then a single blade on the back side

    oh yeah, mine viberates too bitch

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