And since the subject of work has been broached, I’d like to share a letter to the editor of the company newsletter I wrote.
In response to something along the lines of “dude don’t take 3 paper towels right away it’s waseful start with 1 and take more if you need it”:
“In response to the letter by [name removed to protect the idiot], I have to say — I’ve been going to the bathroom a lot longer than you’ve been watching people go to the bathroom. I’ve even probably gone to the bathroom at Microsoft longer than you’ve been watching people go to the bathroom. Each time I’ve washed my hands (okay, there was a time in 5th grade where I didn’t. I’m sorry!). As such, I’ve built up a pretty good knowledge of how many paper towels I need to dry my hands. It is 3. Two leaves my hands wet, four is just straight out.
PS: Please stop watching me pee.”
I was thinking about throwing in something near the beginning along the lines of “you may now notice I use a stall” but didn’t want to go too far.
The letter, alas, did not get published.