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Month: February 2005

i believe that’s what they call the old switcheroo

Tipping is something I’m never very sure about. Ever since I’ve started moving there have been new instances where I’m not exactly sure how much gratuity makes me not a cheap jerk… the movers, the packers, the car towers, etc… I was just not in my element.

Anyway, today, they dropped off my ole’ Nissan Sentra. I still had my rental car, but fortunately, Avis would let me drop my car off then they would shuttle me back to Microsoft, where they dropped off my Sentra.

So here is yet another instance of tipping questionability — you tip a cab driver, but do you tip the Avis guy? Avis had royally ripped me off and treated me like crap, but that wasn’t this guy’s fault. So I figured I’d tip a bit to thank him for driving me back to my car.

The guy was retired, probably about 70 years old. I think the first thing he said was “don’t let them Republicans lie to you — global warming is really happening.” He mentioned this because I said it was warm out. I have to say the reasons he went into why he thought global warming were basically why I put no stock in the whole global warming issue.

Anyway, this spawned his entire diatrade on Republicans. “You’d have to be a pretty selfish jerk and pretty stupid to be Republican.” Interestingly enough he added to this, “you may be young enough that being Republican pays off for you.” I’m not entirely sure what that means, except that this guy didn’t pay attention in social studies.

Anyway, he then proceeded to call women drivers various obscenities. The basic gist was they’re selfish and self-centered.

So, at the end of the road, he pulls up to my car and I think to myself: “Well, he’s called me a selfish idiot and my sister a female dog.”

I didn’t tip. I figure I’m already paying his social security.

this is what a fish gets

I’m becoming more and more suspicious of the weather here. Everyone has told me the weather during the winter is terrible (this includes the lady who helped me open my account, who told me to be prepared to be depressed 6 out of the 12 months of the year).

Yet since I got here, every day has been sunny and warm (ish, I guess, right now it’s about 50 out, which is warm compared to Illinois).

Something is amiss. Or awry. Or agoose.

i need to start working

Lessons learned from watching PBS’ children’s show, Boohbah:

1) The voices will tell you what to do
2) Eat food you find in the park, even if it is floating
3) Animals are subservient to your every need and desire
4) It’s ok, when you’re older, to cheat on your spouse to create a more diverse family

LIST MUST PAUSE FOR GOOFY TALENT SHOW FOR CHILDREN WITHOUT TALENTS

5) PCP or acid are good ways to simulate the entertainment of television
6) Shout the name of whatever you see as loud as you can, and it will dance for you

yes, this is true. i am m night shyamalan

So one of two things is true:

1) Any movie by M. Night Shyamalan is predictable and formulaic.

Or

2) I am some actually M. Night Shyamalan and hence know the plots of all of his movies before seeing them.

Wait, #2 can’t be right because if I ever wrote a movie I wouldn’t be so pretentious as to put myself in it, even though I can’t act. Nor would I ever insist upon being called M. Night Anythingalan. Well, I might have in high school, if I had thought of it.

Anyway, on my way to Washington – where, apparently, I now live – Alaskan Airlines offered a small little digital video player you could use during the flight. Since it’s a 4 hour flight, I figured it was worth it. It is actually pretty neat, it’s about the size of a portable DVD player but has about 5 movies and a bunch of TV and music on it — all encoded in DiVX according to one of the notices on the back. (One other thing it had on it – a consistent misuse of it’s on the label).

I started out watching “The Village.” At this point I will tell you how to determine the end of absolutely any M. Night movie – the first thing to happen will actually be relevant to the ending (imagine that!). For example, in Sixth Sense, a guy gets shot. Hey, maybe he’s dead. Or some weird kid sips cups of water and leaves them all over the place. Maybe they’ll kill the aliens.

Or if some pretentious idiot who Hollywood seems to throw money at films a movie filmed in “olde Pennsylvania” yet NOTHING looks old and the language is forced at best… hey, maybe there’s something to that.

Since if I don’t stop now I’ll start pointing out some other idiotic notions of the movie, I’m going to move on.

Saturday Night Live is stupid. I believe I just spent 5 minutes watching a sketch that basically had the premise “the sound leather clothing makes is funny.” It reminds me of Garfield – clearly whoever is behind it has gone brain dead, but it’s just been around so long nobody wants to point out that the guy’s lower brain has stopped functioning.

So off of rant mode, I noticed something – sometimes the funniest joke is the one you’ll see coming. And not only that, you’ll laugh before they even tell the joke because you know it’s coming and you know it’s going to be funny.

I noticed this while watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force – Master Shake was saying something along the lines of “at least we still have power and each other.” The power goes out, and it’s obvious what the next line is going to be, but the delivery was so perfect.

Well, maybe not as funny as the noise leather makes! Wow!

i’m psychic

So my last entry was titled “at least you still have one leg left” — less than a week later I sprained my ankle and had to be immobile for a day, followed by general purpleness of the foot.

The weird thing was I couldn’t think of a title, so I just typed random gibberish and for some reason felt compelled to keep the first thing I typed, which was that.

I am all-seeing.

My next prediction: “fish carry liquid licorice.”

Hmmm, it’s so deep I wonder what it could mean!